I lost my dad, Stephen, and my mom, Deborah. I have a hard time sharing their experience.
One day I was there when she was a little awake. She mouthed the word, "Help."
To The Hospital
“ I remember thinking at the time that she could have gotten all of this treatment at home and that she didn't really need to be in the hospital.”
I lost my dad, Stephen, and my mom, Deborah. I have a hard time sharing their experience, and mine, because some parts of it are still so painful and so confusing to me. My story might sound choppy, but I'll do my best for them...
I got the call that my dad was already in the hospital and on the ventilator and that my mom was being taken to the hospital via ambulance in early September. I lived several states away, so I could not easily check up on them, but my mom had been assuring me over the phone that they were on the mend. Then I got my mothers phone call... I dropped everything, packed up my car and drove to North Carolina.
My dad had already been in the hospital for a couple of days on the ventilator. We were not allowed to go up to the 5th floor to see him. His liver was already shot, and his kidneys were starting to fail. He had several major health issues prior to getting Covid that we always knew would make it difficult for him. It did not look good.
My mom was on the 3rd floor with many other covid patients that were not yet on the ventilators. I was allowed to see her, per the nurse, since I had already had Covid and my brother was allowed since he was vaccinated. I can't remember my mother's nurse, but she was the only good thing about our whole experience. She let us in to see my mother because my dad was dying... she broke the rules, and I am forever grateful. My mother was still walking, talking, laughing, and breathing fairly well on her own. She only required a little supplemental oxygen. Besides being disgruntled with the staff, she was her usual self. I remember thinking at the time that she could have gotten all of this treatment at home and that she didn't really need to be in the hospital. She probably panicked because of my dad.
They Took An Oath
Are the doctors and nurses really on our side? I quickly started to realize that the nurses and doctors were not for my mothers improvement when I just happened to be there as a doctor showed up and started harassing her about not being vaccinated. He laid the guilt on thick. After he left, my mother told me that she had gotten several of these lectures from nurses and doctors every day since she arrived in the hospital (About 5 days at this point). She then told me something even more shocking, that from day one when she walked through the hospital doors, she was told that she should really consider going on the ventilator. This really surprised me since she was breathing fairly well on her own at that point and just required a bit of supplemental oxygen. That seemed so strange to me.
My dad was declining quickly. He eventually had a stroke and we knew it was time to turn the machines off. My mom, who had taken her first round of Remdesivir, was also starting to slowly decline. She could no longer move around easily without getting completely out of breath, and she required a constant flow of oxygen with an additional mask that she would use when getting up to use the bathroom. She was still eating and talking. It was because of this that she was not able to go to the 5th floor for my dad's last moments. It was just me and my brother.
Harassed and Mocked
“ They were openly joking about the reports of Remdesiver causing kidney failure .”
While waiting for the nurses to ready my dad for turning off the machines, my brother and I stood just outside his door within earshot of the nurses desk where a small group of nurses and a doctor were talking. I don't think they were aware of us at first since they were openly joking about the reports of Remdesiver causing kidney failure (It was going viral in the "not so mainstream" news at the time that Remdesiver might be causing kidney failure). They were laughing about it being stupid. The doctor glanced over at me and made eye contact with me. I glanced away. It got quiet after that. My dad's kidneys failed right before his stroke. Right after he had Remdesiver. I decided to look more into that later. My dad died on September 16, 2021.
My mom continued to tell us strange stories about her experiences. The ventilator continued to be pushed on her. She was still getting vaccine lectures. She told us how her doctors would argue in front of her because they couldn't agree on how to proceed. She ordered them out of her room to have their arguments someplace else (My mom was always a feisty one). At one point they brought a GIANT fan into her room to help circulate the air. We are talking about an industrial type fan that is used to dry wet carpets. It was loud and huge. She demanded it be turned off and taken out of her room. It's as if they were trying to make her as uncomfortable as possible. Still, we were hopeful when she started to show small signs of improvement.
“So I decided to ask them why are they giving her REMDESIVER. She has already had that... she got worse.”
I had been visiting my mother for about a month now in the hospital. I was a regular. I knew exactly where to find the gowns and masks... I knew which door was hers. I would just walk right in, sit down with her, and that was our routine. Until one day I walk in and there is a sign on her door that says, "Do not enter, see nurses desk." My heart starts racing a bit... I go to the nurses desk. I ask them about the sign... they inform me that I'm no longer allowed in her room. I ask why since I have been visiting with her for a month now. They informed me that I shouldn't have been visiting her. I start getting mad (My mom passed on some of her feisty to me after all). The nurse says that she will have to check with the doctor on duty to find out if I can go in or not. I tell her that while she is checking on that, I'll be in my mothers room visiting. I went to her room.
When I opened the door, I kinda expected her to be in a worse state since the sign was on her door, only to find her the same. I sit down, and I tell her about the sign. She didn't know about it. The two nurses from before came in... They didn't say anything to me but began to proceed with giving her medicine. So I decided to ask them why are they giving her REMDESIVER. She has already had that... she got worse. I tell them how it makes no sense to me that they would give her a second round of a drug that was obviously failing. I demand to speak with her doctor.
Another nurse walked in with the doctor on the phone. I laid into him hard. I demand to know why she was given a second round of remdesiver when the first round obviously failed. His response was straight out of the book, "It's protocol." I demand to know why nothing else is being pursued... I list off the limited list of things I have heard about... Ivermectin, Monoclonal antibodies, Hydroxychloroquine. I don't pretend to be an expert on any of these, but I just wanted him to try something... ANYTHING OTHER THAN REMDESIVER! His excuse was that there are not enough studies on these, and that he must follow protocol. I called him a coward for not practicing medicine out of fear of losing his job and blind ignorance in following his damn protocols.
My mother looked at me and smiled. "Thank you for trying. I love you." I felt completely defeated. They had all of the power with their signs and protocols and blindly obedient nurses and doctors... I had nothing. I tried my best to perk up for my mom's sake as they administered the second round of Remdesiver. I stayed extra long that evening, because somehow I knew I didn't have much time left. The next morning I received a call from my mom's nurse, "Your mom is being put on the ventilator, but she has something to say to you. Then very softly I hear my mom say, "I love you."... Then the nurse comes back on, "We gotta go. We will call you back soon."
The Ventilator and Isolation
We were informed that we were not allowed up on the covid floor for at least 14 days (I believe), per protocols. Even though I had been visiting with my mother for a month. It made no difference. We were not given regular updates, and it was very difficult for me to reach her nurse or doctor in the beginning. She would have a new doctor every 4 days or so as well as new nurses on about the same schedule.
When I finally was able to go up to her room, I was not allowed in the room. I was only allowed to stand outside the window. That was until I stood there and demanded that I be allowed to go in the room. I told them how cruel it was to keep her in there alone, without anybody to even hold her hand. I cried. The nurse got permission for me to go inside at last.
There is only one day out of the entire month when my mom was on the ventilator that I knew she was lucid. They would take her out of sedation from time to time. One day I was there when she was a little awake. She mouthed the word, "Help." You can't get any more clearer than that. It still breaks my heart, and probably always will. That was the last time that I was with her when she would respond to my questions with head nods.
My brother and I would take turns and visit her at 11 during the weekdays. I decided to go in at 9 one day. She smelled awful. Two nurses came in right at my heels, explaining how they were just about to give her her daily cleaning. Her feces bag was so full it was leaking. I started to visit her at different times of the day to keep an eye on the nurses.
My mother started to have kidney failure. When the doctor would call in the evenings to give me the update he would say things like, "We just aren't sure why she is having kidney failure... we will try a different combination of drugs... perhaps that will help us get to the bottom of this." Those aren't their exact words, but it was something along those lines. Of course, I had done my research on Remdesiver by now... and I had no doubt in my mind what was causing the kidney failure. The doctors remained blissfully ignorant.
At one point one of her doctors wanted to put a trac in. It was still considered a new procedure in regards to Covid, but he was willing to try since there had been some success up in New York. Finally, I thought to myself, a doctor who is willing to try something... When we called back the next day to see how it went, because of course we were not given an update, we found out that it wasn't done after all. A new doctor came on shift, and no trac. They did eventually put in the trac, when the original doctor with the idea came back in rotation... but, it was outside the optimum time for success. It didn't help.
My mother died on October 18, 2021 with only me at her side.
Thank you for letting me share my dad and mom's stories... Please pray for the repose of their souls, and may they Rest In Peace.